Return 2 Sport

by Coley Mixan

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about

welcome 2 return 2 sport. here we are not yet in shape, in dimension, in proportion, in promotion, in body, in sync, N-SYNC, in gratitude, in ecology, in VR, in transubstantiation, in subways, in delicacies, in fermentation, etc. but we begin NOW 2 take steps forward (and backward and sideways). looking for some real soil to tap into. thank you 4 listening.
i wrote and recorded this in my bedroom in seattle betwen november 2019 and february 2020. xoxo coley

credits

released February 29, 2020

coley mixan - guitar, organ, drums, vocals, lyrics, keyboards, mixing

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about

Coley Mixan Seattle, Washington

ol' coley gonna build a sod house.

coley mixan is a multi-instrumentalist + visual artist creating sonic pieces that resonate on the same frequency as microwaved bananas. 🍌🍞🍰

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Track Name: return 2 sport
(oh yeah, oh yeah)

madness collapses in spaces
that i've never let myself touch
i search the extinction of traces
compounded confusion in ruts
no evidence for a father
the many bodies left behind
a best friend could never bother
when she never learned how to cry...
so how do i keep earthliness in me?
volcanic red, blue and green majesty?
a life for a life by magnetic appetite
eruptions are just the beginning of time!
eruptions are just the slimming of sight!
assumptions are just the human at night
too afraid to be terrified...
'cause
i want to be
the fingers on the keys:
turning, turning, turning the chemistry outside of what's wired in me

o! o! o! o! o!
return 2 sport
return 2 earth
i am the dash
i am the dirt
trans lighting outside
thunder hoops
i grace the thread
i aim 2 shoot
return 2 sport
believe my Self
listen for Truth's
eternal swells
return 2 sport
return 2 earth
i am the dash
i am the dirt

rub the leaves on my hands
pretend that they're bandages
feel, feel, feel!
text eliza cowboy memes
do exactly as i please
it's all abundance here (if i'm listening)

(o! o! o! oh yeah, oh yeah)

ropes unfurl from the rapture
i decide if i'm pastured
observing the movement of Love
i want to play the best game that i can
before madness collapses in spaces
that i've never let myself touch
it's getting to be too much
the pleasure of liking it rough, liking it rough, liking it rough
Track Name: Keep Nothing Hushed (No, No, No!)
keep nothing hushed if you're blossoming self
it's all a rush, an abundance of swells
sweep something up
life is God anyway
if you're living then you'll die every day
each movement a sport to be wholly gay

don't doubt who you've always been
don't doubt that you're gonna win
Outlive the 7%
no tragedy of friendship but adult friendships

Each moment a sport
Each moment a source
A trial of force
Each movement is sport
Each movement is source
A trial of force
Fear no divorce

keep nothing hushed if you're blossoming self
it's all a rush, an abundance of swells
sweep something up
life is God anyway
if you're living then you'll die every day (each movement is sport)

Here we are--I know we got to go!
Don’t stop when you feel the coast to coast!
A healing sport, a healing sport
Track Name: Double Creature (Here 2 Learn)
attention can i have your password?
attention can i have your worst?
so long to all of the logins
i'm giving up to the thirst
it's always more than a feeling
it's always more than a haunt
i'm surging up without seeking
smiling grip on what you want

ecstatic notions no longer streets
i am subtle indignity
rolling case of ebay bids
oh save us from becoming what we quit
i've got my kneepads i'm gonna fall
every sunset is a way out of the mall
i'm still surprised at
the way of the path
it curves and spirals
we set it smash
is there fun with doom if we are doom everyday?

oh yeah and the eyes stay open
oh yeah and i return
oh yeah what i've been choking
double creature here to learn
i'm here to turn it all to rock (silicon)

so shot by shot they shoot them down
it's like a gun to the gut and it's full of ground
i can't save us from becoming what we quit...
every sunset a way out of South Omaha

don't double dare yourself outside of who you are
because i love every inch that plays that guitar
we curve and spiral by the way of the path
we set it all back to smash
Track Name: Sourdough Starter
i am the hungry now
i am the bread
i left for certain town
no future dead

you wanna keep it cooler than sourdough
strong and coordinated feet
i wanna learn how to grow my own
something the world can eat
you click the link for details and find the shelf cost
i unsubscribe from proofs of point
on the internet we all are lost
but the web holds my voice

oh where will we go?
rent a house on zillow
buy that chair on offer up
grandpa fought for no freedom

you wanna keep it hotter than secret sauce
stronger than instagram ads
i wanna learn how to camouflage
before somebody finds me out
i am sadder than i've ever been
white, white capitalism

i walk the city before language kills us
dark and radiant poems of queer life
you know i'll be there taking the bus
wishing the soil would spark queer life
Track Name: The Moon is Still Surprising
Here in the holy center
You wanna squeeze the renter
Live twice until you splinter
Chest-buster confetti
Step over rainbow’s blush
No lecture in a touch
You wanna squeeze the crunch
Until it’s jelly
A murder of crows follows me through the city
Just in case I brought some snacks with me


The moon is still surprising
In the gift of the horizon
I go searching for the self that i came to make
Mad and eager flown the eagle
Above hope for all people
I go dancing in the self that i came to shake
Perform with my deformity
Every life Now gorgeous
Perform with my deformity
Every life Now, gorgeously !

Machines do work
Lifeforms do play
You watch me swerve
As though it pays
Can’t get enough
Can’t reach down low
Rivers and bluffs
Warp field exposed
Uh, the holy center
you wanna squeeze the renter
Chest-buster confetti
Step over rainbow’s blush
No lecture in a touch
You wanna squeeze the crunch
Until it’s jelly
A murder of crows follows me through the city
Just in case I brought some snacks with me
Track Name: visionary experience
there's something sacred going on out there
she's dressed up like street confetti
it's a tendency to rainbows that contains the power suggesting
of ritual magic
sunrise in her arms
it's perpetual tragic
sunset at the cause

visionary experience
the horses and the cosmos
songs of power, dried flowers
visionary turmoil
cosmos and divorces
these songs of fear, the sacred mirror:
conscious is a coil, coil
o the horses and cosmos dance
until you behold them
and erode them

there's something mythic going in here
she's dressed up like a murder of crows
our love begins the blackness of earth
our love curls and spirals
it's the articulation of thought through daring
it's coming up and becoming caring
she's dressed up like ritual magic
sunrise in her arms!

visionary experience
the horses and the cosmos
songs of power, dried flowers
visionary turmoil
cosmos and divorces
songs of fear, songs right here
cause music is the cosmos
they dance, they dance, they dance
o the horses and cosmos dance
until you behold them
and erode them

it moves in spirals, it takes my gut
she's all i want
the sacred one
Track Name: Bury Me in Prairie Grasses
(Coley, coley, coley come, come come Coley!)

Bury me in motherfuckers
I don’t want to be breathing if they’re not
Outside the world, my legs become rug burns
Plants I should name are left to rot
I am inclined to blame the wind created by bombs
Instead of fury that dropped them on top of us

I lay awake in the brutal vision of roots
I am happy where happiness sings truth
I am happy where happiness sings truth

(Coley, coley, coley come, come come Coley!)

Bury me in prairie grasses
I don’t want to be dancing if they’re not
Outside the world, my arms swing passion
Friends I should name are left to squat
Am I to holler in the hollering of all time?
Am I to holler my name over and over?

Where shall I come to when there is no more coming?
Bury me in prairie grasses
I don’t want to be dancing if they’re not
My arms swing in passion as friends are left to rot
Track Name: Nebraskaland
Moonless nights, wild polka-dots
Formations built on living mud
I come from Nebraskaland
Hills of flood, those hills of sand
Our names compete with goldenrod
Stolen peat from native tongues
Bird song singular in the search of trees
On the prairie
On the prairie
On a prayer

Red Cloud, big sky
Willa Cather's
Sacred July
Hollyhocks , sidewalks
Malcolm X
Left for better minds

Moonless nights, wild polka-dots
The stars fall in celebration
I am of Nebraska’s land
Bug eaters, breaking bread
So, this is Nebraska
Our love for all things warm
But when ya know how to cause a flood
then even those bugs will swarm
On the prairie
On the prairie
On a prayer
Track Name: Yogurt (Playful & Sad)
playful and sad i dance on my own
i want to build my final home
sing to the grasses what i seek:
life as stolen indeterminacy
these beacons flash, i am lonely
the shock of newness now so hungry
my body changing into a million songs
sing it now.

i lived a life filled with good people
but i'm still unsatisfied when i feel
i am in a state of constant elaboration
Just moving on and on in decoration
why do i care so much how i look?
When it’s all about how i feel?

i entertain myself with the balance of rejection and compassion
i can sit alone for hours upon the silent curve of you

dance myself into greatness
i will be born again
dance myself so weightless
i will be born again

pleasure fades, i seek no satisfaction
I wrap my mind around what is healing…
I am alright
I am alive

I used to walk around the streets like Frank O’Hara thinking I was somebody but I understand now that’s a view of privilege
Track Name: scared of family (RIP)
Little Walnut, you’re going home
Sit around through nothing at all
i wish i had taken the job
But i was scared of my family
singing to that anxiousness
as i always doing there...
Queer sunset painted onto walls
neon lights are so empty now
And i miss their pink so much
i now i am still alive

So know i don’t know if i’m gonna make it
So many songs and never a winner
Another download code in my pocket
I’m not sure I’ll ever listen to them
When I only want to hear my mother’s voice
& the community of warmth
That keeps me on the hero’s edge
Death's privilege

If i had died young like him
Everyone would appreciate me
Not that I want to cause that grief
but who's the one with their picture on the wall?
is it a life--or a memory?

So know i don’t know if i’m gonna make it
So many songs and never a winner
Another download code in my pocket
I’m not sure I’ll ever listen to them
When I only want to hear my mother’s voice
a community of warmth
that welcomes me like a hero
in the the way they never did when he was living
right here

i know it's just thoughts but
i will never be remembered
as noble as the one that died at 23
Little Walnut, you're going home
Sit around through nothing at all
i wish i had taken the job
But i was scared of my family
Track Name: Tangy (great nows)
it's subtle
it's tang
inside of our...

forbidden voices, our shadow shelves
we refuse to conquer what's telling
responsibility, we should be responsive
when coiled emotions come to haunt us
in America the rivers are wet
and the grasses wetter
once a machete
(i am) now a lover
bare for the abundance
how many rinses were required for the full blessing
of agriculture?? : i'm growing

this love is so dynamic
squeeze free all of the panic
full breath and become cinematic
her face is the face of all great nows
her face the face of all great vows
the shape, the shape of all sound

it's hard to make this choice
in a room so small and bright
when i am outside being big and deep
i want to close my eyes and imagine queer futures
holding my own on my own front porch
without this self doubt
without this stabbing sound inside my head
i will dance
i will be
limited infinity
i will sing
so i can grow
all the rivers into snow
intermediate silence to remove the veil
Track Name: Quarantine ('94)_//
You hold
On to nothing
Like nothing
Modesty
You told
Me everything
Like everything
Grandmothers
To converse
As to recuperate

The words do not illuminate any place we love
Any particular past
It’s all miraculous

I am unsafe by those
Who share me
I am unsafe by those
Who care for me

You hold
On to nothing
Like nothing
Modesty
it models me

You told
Me everything
Like everything
recuperates
Track Name: Kong w/ Peanut Butter
one morning i charred my ink
waiting for the bell to strike
the hour's secret prayer is a subtle wink
cause i know what i know is just what i like

blood by blood i watched them pace,
dismantle god and you've got it made
(she's a deli and i love her)
i want to be loud enough to greet her a thousand times
(what breathes on barely is rubble)
let the catastrophe come in ringing

she's a daring
and i love her
what breathes on bellies is just rubble
let the catastrophe come in ringing
put my ears close enough--they're all singing

dwelling is more than a feeling
slow deterioration is not an early grave
no misconceptions
no modern promises
no love!
unless it's love that's prevalent today.
Track Name: Titty Widget
Titty widget, micro pivot
White so wicked i’m at limit
Illicit double digit
Mr. trans eat a biscuit
A little snippet of the spirit
Then i fidget how i fear it
Then i budget how i feed it
(Life so good i wanna eat it)
Panoramic night vision
Sonic cousin swish a villian
Avid global horror
American disposal
Water water everywhere
betrayal is betrothal
Fire fire everywhere
Compost, huh?
Pleasure reading, audience
Creation’s not what you neglect
a sandwich or protagonist
In the mines of soul protest ?
Titty widget off our chests
Astro ooze where it suggests
Gratitude is living best
Life will never be oppressed
White is horror, negligence
Life will never be oppressed
Trans body be performed
transitions are the norm
In greedom of the rich
no Body safe when you living like a bitch

But then i never wanted to predict
An even stranger tide
I am so Alive and slick
Breathing on the river side
I didn’t listen to the Midwest
I didn’t keep my ears sharp
I never knew i confess
Teeth grinding in the dark
Well it’s getting more historical by the hour
More sensational by the year
White American global horror
Only exports its own fear
of darkness
that is the richness of life
o what a sacrifice
kill it all with pesticides
Track Name: Doris Day in the Staff Bathroom
doris day speaking
Track Name: Doris Day in the Staff Bathroom ii
Doris Day in the staff bathroom
I don't know what she's gonna do
Hanging out at the library all night
Doris Day slipping concrete stairs
Golden waves singing her hair
Even celebrities have to say goodbye
Second period, algebra 
Cheapened adulthood insomnia  
I wanted to understand math so bad  
Doris Day's middle mind
Lovely eyebrows lifted high
If I only knew then what I had had
Generous, curious, I was so delirious --
With my teenage desire to cry!

love's in the mail
love's alright
love will keep us warm tonight
Sneaking into high school choir
love's in the mail
love's alright
love will keep us warm tonight
Doris Day has expired 
Track Name: rattlesnake lake
Well, it’s peace busy peace
Constantly a disease
In this slowing
I am growing
when i look towards the Cascades
I think useless
Gone and ruthless
Music looping
Life’s confusing
If I listen for the focus
Sleeping on the couch in LA

I can fill my room
With spots for you
Make out in public parks
I can slip my shirts
With lots of dirt
Light candles in the dark
Well, i’m no virgin Mary
The heartache comes when i say i love you
At 2am and we’re both drunk
So you can dismiss it when we wake up

Meet the middle
Our care sizzled
Faster than the fourth of july
North Bend fireworks
Sparks fly at surf
All the feelings I didn’t say...
On a soaking wet Rattle Snake
We waited for the stars to fall,
Chemical and unethical
I wish I could peel off these soul ties

Between the veil
I know I shall always remain
At the hilltop
Where our bravery never went
To speak the love that shouldn’t been
To speak the love that's so hopeless
I know we can never be friends
Not in the way friends come and go
it's unethical, you know?

Meet me in the middle
Figure out the riddle
I wish I could be less looping, right here
Track Name: Sinister Femme
If to be infinite is to possess an unboundedness
Then I believe we’re all delivered here
The moment you comprehend your own consciousness
You find an old word doc in your drive
So i consider the small span of my life
Absorbed in the enterny of time

I’m a small part of this space
Where i can touch your face
Involved in the immensity of my love for you
Oh friend, don’t you know? Your art drives me on
Sinister Femme
big percussion
Frightened and astonished to feel this here and now

Any two points in time
Between today and tomorrow
Will return us to our birth
When we first met
And sat outside Film Streams
In your father’s pickup
We hated everything
Except each other
And knew there was something between us
Some sound
Some music
Some queerness

I wanna make some sound
I wannt go back to where we were then
And be best friends
Are we best friends?
Track Name: Strawberry Sparkle (Mandy)
Sparkle like a strawberry
And don’t give up
Sparkle like a strawberry
And trust your gut
In the moment
Of atonement
Only a sister can provide
You will dance together in your mother’s basement
And laugh until the street lights turn off
I’m fortunate to have such a beautiful one in my life
Day and night
Sparkle like a strawberry
And don’t you stop
Every moment bubbles
Until you’re gone
Every second I want to be of love: the sort I feel when I look at you

Sparkle like a strawberry
And don’t you stop
Sisters in Palm Springs
On a rock
It’s always Mandy
In the morning
Jam and waffles,
Whipped cream surprise
Sparkle like a strawberry
in wild summer
Sparkle like a strawberry
never a bummer
I've got my sister
and she's got me
and we both sparkle like a strawberry
in the wet grass on our family's lawn
we'll be here until we're gone
Track Name: playing 🏀
I remember when i used to write songs just for me
No need to share
As long as i had my guitar
Now there’s something going on with my privacy
It’s all over the place
And i can’t contain

Any reason to believe
Why i should be ecstasy
Why i should be song writing
When i’ve got desires to be a star
Human-centered
Limb-splintered
I am nothing without a feeling of doubt

I remember when i used to play basketball at the park
Pretending i could dunk
And soar higher than anyone has ever soared
A performance just for my shadow

Any reason to believe
Why i should be ecstasy
Why i should be song writing
When i’ve got desires to be a star
I am nothing without a feeling of doubt
Track Name: Too Prickly for Wounds
Mild dry lines, i smudge the makeup on your face
Intimacy warns each of us have our place
I recognize relevance is better
But I still prefer to walk in the desert
At your throne
Cause terror finds its full echo in creation--
As to read in separate corners of your room

Who’s been covering our bodies in ecstasy? Y!!
Sung by the trees is a ruin that keeps us brief EF!!
Life hangs by cycles and mismanaged schemes
so slice off my hair and kiss off my dreams
My rage is splitting me open again...
Between the emptiness i've found here

I’ve dreamed of breathing as an earthworm
But now those shadows keep me
in your arms
The sense of the promise to make believe:
I can be brave
I can be honest
A human quake
Slightly unspoken
Just a disaster…
Mild dry lines, I smudge the makeup on your face
(will i ever find my place?!? this was supposed to be my home but i've never felt more like a stranger)

Who’s been covering our bodies
In ecstasy?
Sung by the trees is a ruin that keeps us brief, so brief
Life hangs in cycles and mismanaged schemes
they cut off my hair and run down my dreams
My rage is splitting open again…

I cry without speaking
And i run without weeping
Chasing something without health
Some sort of happiness
But i already know
I have it with you
Too prickly for words,
There’s no more wounds
Track Name: Presence (Acoustic Version)
did you really kill yourself
or was it a lonely sort of accident?
i don't know why i wanna know--
it makes no sort of difference
i thought i was a friend
i thought was some sort of gravity
until i learned the hard lesson
that only you can make you happy
but yet i'm still earth bound
though you've gone toward the gray skies
the pleasure of our love is warmth dripping down my thighs

remember my presence
even under your violence
remember my presence
even in your silence

did you live your fullest life
or was it a lonely sort of day dream
for the type of planet that ensconces
you with what you think you need?
you know, i thought i was quite bright
i thought i was intelligent
until i learned everything i need to know
i will learn in meditation
but yet i'm still earth bound
though you've gone toward the lavender fields
the pleasure of our love
is everything that's ever been real

remember my presence
even under your violence
remember my presence
even in your silence
Track Name: Return 2 Rejection
(oh yeah, oh yeah)
i keep them connected
the thoughts i rejected
whatever is expected--
it's all just a mess
i keep them connected
the thoughts i expected
whether i am a mess, yeah...

...i wish that i was bigger than myself
trying to pull my ears close
but the doctor's next, then!
yeah the doctor says i'm dying
the doctor says i'm dying

i keep them connected
the thoughts i rejected
when i was a mess
i'm trying to disturb
what i should learn
in the hour of darkness at my soul
i'm trying to disturb
but i thought i should learn
in the darkness of my soul

i keep them connected
the thoughts i rejected
it's all misconnected
i hate it all, i hate it all
i hate waking up

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